How to tell if you're Democrat or Republican

[wannabe]

Before I say anything else: THIS IS ALL IN GOOD FUN, so let's not turn this into a flame war, ok? I heard this on a radio show down in Florida.

A woman was alone in a hot air balloon, and she was lost. Finally, she managed to find a fisherman in the middle of a lake and lower the balloon down so she could talk to him. "Excuse me," she said, "but I'm lost, and 2 hours late for a meeting! Could you tell me where I am?" The fisherman consulted his GPS unit and told her "You're at 36 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude, 49 degrees, 8 minutes west longitute, about 10 feet over a ground elevation of 1,256 feet." The woman thought a moment and said, "You must be a Republican." "How could you know that?" asked the fisherman. "Because," she said,"what you've told me is technically true, but I have no idea what to do with it. You've really been no help at all." The fisherman replied, "And you must be a Democrat." "Yes, I am, how did you know?" replied the woman. "Well, you made a promise you had no idea how to keep, you have no idea where you are or where you're going, and now you're in the same situation you were before we ever met, but somehow, now it will be my fault." If you're laughing, welcome to the Republican party.

[ReodDai]

Lol pretty funny.

[L32Projekt]

LMFAO... that's great!

[chas]

hot air balloons are a vast right wing conspiracy.
gps is a vast right wing conspiracy.
fishing is a vast right wing conspiracy.

(and its a person of fishing not fisherman. and i am sure he was not going to actually eat the fish so it would be a cruel person of sport fishing).

[Camarorulz]

Thats really good. [img]smile.gif[/img]

[98v6]

sucks...

[BLLDOGG]

thats funny as hell

[Justin Kirkham]

[img]graemlins/rofl.gif[/img]

-Justin

[V6Maniac]

Lol........
[img]graemlins/rofl.gif[/img] [img]graemlins/rofl.gif[/img]

[Denis]

Sounds like a rehash of a Microsoft joke, or maybe vice versa...

Microsoft Joke

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to steer to the airport.

The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter's window. The pilot's sign said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the
tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window.

Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER OVER SEATTLE." The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position.

The pilot responded "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because, similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."

[token sebring]

Originally posted by Denis:
Sounds like a rehash of a Microsoft joke, or maybe vice versa...

Microsoft Joke

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to steer to the airport.

The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter's window. The pilot's sign said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the
tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window.

Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER OVER SEATTLE." The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position.

The pilot responded "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because, similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."

Now that's a funny joke [img]smile.gif[/img] [img]graemlins/rofl.gif[/img]

[HAZ-Matt]

This little old lady calls 911. When the operator answers she yells, "Help, send the police to my house right away! There's a damn Democrat on my front porch and he's playing with himself."

"What?" the operator exclaimed. "I said there is a damn Democrat on my front porch playing with himself and he's weird; I don't know him and I'm afraid! Please send the police!" the little old lady repeated.

"Well, now, how do you know he's a Democrat?"

"Because, you damn fool, if it was a Republican, he'd be screwing somebody!"

[HAZ-Matt]

Saving George W. Bush

George W. Bush was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing, and landed in the creek below. Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, 3 kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid said, "I want to go to Disneyland." George W. said, "No problem. I'll take you there on Air Force One".

The second kid said, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's." George W. said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!"

The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset!" George W. was a little perplexed by this and said, "But you don't look like you are handicapped." The kid replied, "I will be, after my dad finds out I saved your *** from drowning!"

[HAZ-Matt]

Wading across the Jordan

Bill Clinton, Al Gore and George W. Bush died and found themselves standing on the other side of the Jordan River looking across at the Promised Land.

The Archangel Michael was standing on the other side and shouted over to the three surprised Americans, "Contrary to what you have been taught, each of you will have to wade across the Jordan River."

As Michael saw their perplexed looks, he assured them by saying, "Don't worry. You will sink only proportionally, according to your sins on earth. The more you have sinned, the more you will sink into the water."

The three American sages of political lore looked at one another, trying to determine who would be the first brave soul to cross the Jordan River.

Finally, Al Gore volunteered to go first. Slowly he began to wade out into the river, and slowly the water began to get higher and higher, reaching to his waist. Al Gore began to sweat, thinking of all his sins that were coming back to haunt him. He was beginning to wonder if he would ever see the other side. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, he began to emerge on the river's bank.

As he ascended to the other side, he looked behind him to see which one of the other brave souls was going next. A shock of surprise registered on his face, as he saw George W. Bush almost in the middle of the river, and the water was only up to his ankles.

He turned to Michael and exclaimed, "I know George W. Bush. George W. Bush is a friend of mine, and he has sinned much, much more than that!"

Before the Archangel Michael could reply, George W. Bush shouted back, "I'm standing on Clinton's shoulders!"

[HAZ-Matt]

You Might Be A Republican If...

You think "proletariat" is a type of cheese.

You've named your kids "Deduction one" and "Deduction two"

You've tried to argue that poverty could be abolished if people were just allowed to keep more of their minimum wage.

You've ever referred to someone as "my (insert racial or ethnic minority here) friend"

You've ever tried to prove Jesus was a capitalist and opposed to welfare.

You're a pro-lifer, but support the death penalty.

You think Huey Newton is a cookie.

The only union you support is the Baseball Players, because heck, they're richer than you.

You think you might remember laughing once as a kid.

You once broke loose at a party and removed your neck tie.

You call mall rent-a-cops "jack-booted thugs."

You've ever referred to the moral fiber of something.

You've ever uttered the phrase, "Why don't we just bomb the sons of *****es."

You've ever said, "I can't wait to get into business school."

You've ever called a secretary or waitress "Tootsie."

You answer to "The Man."

You don't think "The Simpsons" is all that funny, but you watch it because that Flanders fellow makes a lot of sense.

You fax the FBI a list of "Commies in my Neighborhood."

You don't let your kids watch Sesame Street because you accuse Bert and Ernie of "sexual deviance."

You scream "Dit-dit-ditto" while making love.

You've argued that art has a "moral foundation set in Western values."

When people say "Marx," you think "Groucho."

You've ever yelled, "Hey hippie, get a haircut."

You think Birkenstock was that radical rock concert in 1969.

You argue that you need 300 handguns, in case a bear ever attacks your home.

Vietnam makes a lot of sense to you.

You point to Hootie and the Blowfish as evidence of the end of racism in America.

You've ever said civil liberties, schmivil schmiberties.

You've ever said "Clean air? Looks clean to me."

You've ever called education a luxury.

You look down through a glass ceiling and chuckle.

You wonder if donations to the Pentagon are tax-deductable.

You came of age in the '60s and don't remember Bob Dylan.

You own a vehicle with an "Ollie North: American Hero" sticker.

You're afraid of the liberal media."

You ever based an argument on the phrase, "Well, tradition dictates...."

You ever told a child that Oscar the Grouch "lives in a trash can because he is lazy and doesn't want to contribute to society."

You've ever urged someone to pull themselves up by their bootstraps, when they don't even have shoes.

You confuse Lenin with Lennon.