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Hurricane Preparedness
By: Dave Barry
Any day now, you could turn on the TV and see a weather person
pointing to some radar blob out in the Atlantic Ocean and making two
basic meteorological points:
(1) There is no need to panic.
(2) We could all be killed.
Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Florida. If you're
new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to
prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one."
Based on our experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple
three-step hurricane preparedness plan:
STEP 1.
Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least
three days
STEP 2.
Put these supplies into your car.
STEP 3.
Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Halloween. Unfortunately,
statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan.
Most people will foolishly stay here in Florida.
We'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:
1) HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE:
If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately,
this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets
two basic requirements:
(1) It is reasonably well-built, and
(2) It is located in Nebraska.
Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or any other area
that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies
would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they
might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they
got into the insurance business in the first place. So you'll have to
scrounge around for an insurance company, which will charge you an
annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house.
At any moment, this company can drop you like used dental floss. I
have had an estimated 27 different home-insurance companies since
living in Florida. This week, I'm covered by the Bob and Big Stan
Insurance Company, under a policy which states that, in addition to my
premium, Bob and Big Stan are entitled, on demand, to my kidneys.
2) SHUTTERS:
Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows, all the
doors, and -- if it's a major hurricane -- all the toilets. There are
several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages:
Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them
yourself, they're cheap. The disadvantage is that, because you make
them yourself, they will fall off.
Sheet-metal shutters:
The advantage is that these work well, once you get them all up. The
disadvantage is that once you get them all up, Your hands will be
useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.
Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very easy to use,
and will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you
will have to sell your house to pay for them.
Hurricane-proof windows: These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane
protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand
hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because the salesman says
so. He lives in Nebraska.
3) HURRICANE PROOFING YOUR PROPERTY:
As the hurricane approaches, check your yard for movable objects like
barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting relatives, etc.
You should, as a precaution, throw these items into your swimming pool
(If you don't have a swimming pool, you should have one built
immediately). Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these objects
into deadly missiles.
4) EVACUATION ROUTE:
If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route
planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look
at your driver's license; if it says "Florida," you live in a
low-lying area).
The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in
your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a
gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two
hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.
5) HURRICANE SUPPLIES:
If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy
them now! Florida tradition requires that you wait until the last
possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious
fights with strangers over who gets the last can of SPAM.
In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies:
* 23 flashlights At least $167 worth of batteries that turn out, when
the power goes off, to be the wrong size for the flashlights.
* Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what
the bleach is for, but it's traditional, so GET some!)
* A 55-gallon drum of underarm deodorant.
* A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in
a hurricane, but it looks cool.)
* A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators. (Ask
anybody who went through Camille; after the hurricane, there WILL be
irate alligators.)
*$35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you
can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.
Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws
near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation
by turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain
slickers stand right next to the ocean and tell you over and over how
vitally important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.
Good luck this hurricane season and remember--it's great living in
Paradise!
By: Dave Barry
Any day now, you could turn on the TV and see a weather person
pointing to some radar blob out in the Atlantic Ocean and making two
basic meteorological points:
(1) There is no need to panic.
(2) We could all be killed.
Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Florida. If you're
new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to
prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one."
Based on our experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple
three-step hurricane preparedness plan:
STEP 1.
Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least
three days
STEP 2.
Put these supplies into your car.
STEP 3.
Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Halloween. Unfortunately,
statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan.
Most people will foolishly stay here in Florida.
We'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:
1) HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE:
If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately,
this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets
two basic requirements:
(1) It is reasonably well-built, and
(2) It is located in Nebraska.
Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or any other area
that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies
would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they
might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they
got into the insurance business in the first place. So you'll have to
scrounge around for an insurance company, which will charge you an
annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house.
At any moment, this company can drop you like used dental floss. I
have had an estimated 27 different home-insurance companies since
living in Florida. This week, I'm covered by the Bob and Big Stan
Insurance Company, under a policy which states that, in addition to my
premium, Bob and Big Stan are entitled, on demand, to my kidneys.
2) SHUTTERS:
Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows, all the
doors, and -- if it's a major hurricane -- all the toilets. There are
several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages:
Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them
yourself, they're cheap. The disadvantage is that, because you make
them yourself, they will fall off.
Sheet-metal shutters:
The advantage is that these work well, once you get them all up. The
disadvantage is that once you get them all up, Your hands will be
useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.
Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very easy to use,
and will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you
will have to sell your house to pay for them.
Hurricane-proof windows: These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane
protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand
hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because the salesman says
so. He lives in Nebraska.
3) HURRICANE PROOFING YOUR PROPERTY:
As the hurricane approaches, check your yard for movable objects like
barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting relatives, etc.
You should, as a precaution, throw these items into your swimming pool
(If you don't have a swimming pool, you should have one built
immediately). Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these objects
into deadly missiles.
4) EVACUATION ROUTE:
If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route
planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look
at your driver's license; if it says "Florida," you live in a
low-lying area).
The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in
your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a
gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two
hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.
5) HURRICANE SUPPLIES:
If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy
them now! Florida tradition requires that you wait until the last
possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious
fights with strangers over who gets the last can of SPAM.
In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies:
* 23 flashlights At least $167 worth of batteries that turn out, when
the power goes off, to be the wrong size for the flashlights.
* Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what
the bleach is for, but it's traditional, so GET some!)
* A 55-gallon drum of underarm deodorant.
* A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in
a hurricane, but it looks cool.)
* A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators. (Ask
anybody who went through Camille; after the hurricane, there WILL be
irate alligators.)
*$35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you
can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.
Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws
near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation
by turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain
slickers stand right next to the ocean and tell you over and over how
vitally important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.
Good luck this hurricane season and remember--it's great living in
Paradise!
<br />RIP<br />1995 Chevrolet Camaro<br />3.4L V6 A4<br />Flowmaster 40 Series<br />K&N FIPK<br />Throttle Body Coolant Bypass<br />180 Degree Thermostat<br />3.42 Ring Gear<br />Steel One Piece Driveshaft<br />IAT Relocation<br />and a website <a href=\"http://www.geocities.com/jason_b298\" target=\"_blank\">http://www.geocities.com/jason_b298</a><br />New Ride 2000 S-10<br />4.3L V6 VIN W<br />auto <br />3.42 w/ LSD<br />more coming soon
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