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Please allow me to vent. I have had it. I've taken all I can stand and I can't stand no more. Every time my TV is on, all that can be seen is effeminate men prancing about, redecorating houses and talking about foreign concepts like "style" and "feng shui." Heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, transsexual, metrosexual, non-sexual; blue, green, and purple-sexual - bogus definitions have taken over the urban and suburban world!
Real men of the world, stand up, scratch your a$$, belch, and yell "ENOUGH!" I hereby announce the start of a new offensive in the culture Wars, the Retrosexual movement. "
The Code:
A Retrosexual man, no matter what the women insists, PAYS FOR THE DATE.
A Retrosexual man opens doors for a lady. Even for the ones that fit
that term only because they are female.
A Retrosexual DEALS with IT, be it a flat tire, break-in into your
home, or a natural disaster, you DEAL WITH IT.
A Retrosexual not only eats red meat, he often kills it himself.
A Retrosexual doesn't worry about living to be 90. It's not how long
you live, but how well. If you're 90 years old and still smoking
cigars and drinking, I salute you. If you are still having sex, you
are a God.
A Retrosexual does not use more hair or skin products than a woman.
Women have several supermarket aisles of stuff. Retrosexuals need an
endcap (possibly 2 endcaps if you include shaving goods.)
A Retrosexual does not dress in clothes from Hot Topic when he's 30
years old.
A Retrosexual should know how to properly kill stuff (or people) if
need be. This falls under the "Dealing with IT" portion of The Code.
A Retrosexual watches no TV show with "*****" in the title.
A Retrosexual does not let neighbors screw up rooms in his house on
national TV.
A Retrosexual should not give up excessive amounts of manliness for
women. Some is inevitable, but major reinvention of yourself will
only lead to you becoming a froo-froo little woosie,
A Retrosexual is allowed to seek professional help for major mental
stress such as drug/alcohol addiction, death of your entire family
in a freak tree chipper accident, favorite sports team being moved
to a different city, favorite bird dog expiring, etc. You are NOT
allowed to see a shrink because Daddy didn't pay you enough
attention. Daddy was busy DEALING WITH IT. When you screwed up, he
DEALT with you.
A Retrosexual will have at least one outfit in his wardrobe designed
to conceal himself from prey.
A Retrosexual knows how to tie a Windsor knot when wearing a tie --
and ONLY a Windsor knot.
A Retrosexual should have at least one good wound he can brag about
getting.
A Retrosexual knows how to use a basic set of tools. If you can't
hammer a nail, or drill a straight hole, practice in secret until
you can -- or be rightfully ridiculed for the wuss you be.
A Retrosexual knows that owning a gun is not a sign that your are
riddled with fear, guns are TOOLS and are often essential to DEAL
WITH IT. Plus it's just plain fun to fire one off in the direction
of those people or things that just need a little "wakin' up".
Crying. There are very few reasons that a Retrosexual may cry, and
none of them have to do with TV commercials, movies, or soap operas.
Sports teams are sometimes a reason to cry, but the preferred method
of release is swearing or throwing the remote control. Some reasons
a Retrosexual can cry include (but are not limited to) death of a
loved one, death of a pet (fish do NOT count as pets in this case),
loss of a major body part, or loss of major body part on your truck
or bike.
When a Retrosexual is on a crowded bus and or a commuter train, and
a pregnant woman, heck, any woman gets on, that retrosexual stands
up and offers his seat to that woman, then looks around at the other
so-called men still in their seats with a disgusted "you punks" look
on his face.
A Retrosexual knows how to say the Pledge of Allegience properly,
and with the correct emphasis and pronunciation. He also knows the
words to the O`Canada.
A Retrosexual will have hobbies and habits his wife and mother do
not understand, but that are essential to his manliness, in that
they offset the acceptable manliness decline he suffers when
married/engaged or in a serious healthy relationship - i.e.,
hunting, boxing, shot putting, shooting, cigars, car maintenance.
A Retrosexual knows how to sharpen his own knives and kitchen utensils.
A Retrosexual man can drive in snow (hell, a blizzard) without
sliding all over or driving under 20mph, without anxiety, and
without high-centering his ride in a snow bank.
A Retrosexual man can chop down a tree and make it land where he
wants. Wherever it lands is where he damn well wanted it to land.
Except on his truck--that would happen because of a "force of
nature", and then the retrosexual man's options are to Cry, or to
DEAL with IT, or do both.
A Retrosexual will give up his seat on a bus to not only any women
but any elderly person or person in military dress (except 2nd Lt's)
NOTE: The person in military dress may turn down the offer but the
Retrosexual man will ALWAYS make the offer to them and thank them
for serving their country.
A Retrosexual man doesn't need a contract -- a handshake is good
enough. He will always stand by his word even if circumstances
change or the other person deceived him.
A Retrosexual man doesn't immediately look to sue someone when he
does something stupid and hurts himself. We understand that
sometimes in the process of doing things we get hurt and we just
DEAL WITH IT !
A Retrosexual man will go to a BARBER, not a Hair Salon, to get his
hair cut. Preferably a barber who is a Vet with blue tattoos on his
forearm.
A Retrosexual does not drive around town with a cell phone glued to
his ear. A cell phone is not even a neccessity. Phone converstions
are limited to less than 2 minutes. Less than 30 seconds for friends
who know what you're talking about.
A Retrosexual drinks COFFEE, not a double __mocha lowfat latte with
whip cream and sprinkles.
A Retrosexual owns more work,play,hunting or motorcycle shoes/boots,
than he does dress shoes
Real men of the world, stand up, scratch your a$$, belch, and yell "ENOUGH!" I hereby announce the start of a new offensive in the culture Wars, the Retrosexual movement. "
The Code:
A Retrosexual man, no matter what the women insists, PAYS FOR THE DATE.
A Retrosexual man opens doors for a lady. Even for the ones that fit
that term only because they are female.
A Retrosexual DEALS with IT, be it a flat tire, break-in into your
home, or a natural disaster, you DEAL WITH IT.
A Retrosexual not only eats red meat, he often kills it himself.
A Retrosexual doesn't worry about living to be 90. It's not how long
you live, but how well. If you're 90 years old and still smoking
cigars and drinking, I salute you. If you are still having sex, you
are a God.
A Retrosexual does not use more hair or skin products than a woman.
Women have several supermarket aisles of stuff. Retrosexuals need an
endcap (possibly 2 endcaps if you include shaving goods.)
A Retrosexual does not dress in clothes from Hot Topic when he's 30
years old.
A Retrosexual should know how to properly kill stuff (or people) if
need be. This falls under the "Dealing with IT" portion of The Code.
A Retrosexual watches no TV show with "*****" in the title.
A Retrosexual does not let neighbors screw up rooms in his house on
national TV.
A Retrosexual should not give up excessive amounts of manliness for
women. Some is inevitable, but major reinvention of yourself will
only lead to you becoming a froo-froo little woosie,
A Retrosexual is allowed to seek professional help for major mental
stress such as drug/alcohol addiction, death of your entire family
in a freak tree chipper accident, favorite sports team being moved
to a different city, favorite bird dog expiring, etc. You are NOT
allowed to see a shrink because Daddy didn't pay you enough
attention. Daddy was busy DEALING WITH IT. When you screwed up, he
DEALT with you.
A Retrosexual will have at least one outfit in his wardrobe designed
to conceal himself from prey.
A Retrosexual knows how to tie a Windsor knot when wearing a tie --
and ONLY a Windsor knot.
A Retrosexual should have at least one good wound he can brag about
getting.
A Retrosexual knows how to use a basic set of tools. If you can't
hammer a nail, or drill a straight hole, practice in secret until
you can -- or be rightfully ridiculed for the wuss you be.
A Retrosexual knows that owning a gun is not a sign that your are
riddled with fear, guns are TOOLS and are often essential to DEAL
WITH IT. Plus it's just plain fun to fire one off in the direction
of those people or things that just need a little "wakin' up".
Crying. There are very few reasons that a Retrosexual may cry, and
none of them have to do with TV commercials, movies, or soap operas.
Sports teams are sometimes a reason to cry, but the preferred method
of release is swearing or throwing the remote control. Some reasons
a Retrosexual can cry include (but are not limited to) death of a
loved one, death of a pet (fish do NOT count as pets in this case),
loss of a major body part, or loss of major body part on your truck
or bike.
When a Retrosexual is on a crowded bus and or a commuter train, and
a pregnant woman, heck, any woman gets on, that retrosexual stands
up and offers his seat to that woman, then looks around at the other
so-called men still in their seats with a disgusted "you punks" look
on his face.
A Retrosexual knows how to say the Pledge of Allegience properly,
and with the correct emphasis and pronunciation. He also knows the
words to the O`Canada.
A Retrosexual will have hobbies and habits his wife and mother do
not understand, but that are essential to his manliness, in that
they offset the acceptable manliness decline he suffers when
married/engaged or in a serious healthy relationship - i.e.,
hunting, boxing, shot putting, shooting, cigars, car maintenance.
A Retrosexual knows how to sharpen his own knives and kitchen utensils.
A Retrosexual man can drive in snow (hell, a blizzard) without
sliding all over or driving under 20mph, without anxiety, and
without high-centering his ride in a snow bank.
A Retrosexual man can chop down a tree and make it land where he
wants. Wherever it lands is where he damn well wanted it to land.
Except on his truck--that would happen because of a "force of
nature", and then the retrosexual man's options are to Cry, or to
DEAL with IT, or do both.
A Retrosexual will give up his seat on a bus to not only any women
but any elderly person or person in military dress (except 2nd Lt's)
NOTE: The person in military dress may turn down the offer but the
Retrosexual man will ALWAYS make the offer to them and thank them
for serving their country.
A Retrosexual man doesn't need a contract -- a handshake is good
enough. He will always stand by his word even if circumstances
change or the other person deceived him.
A Retrosexual man doesn't immediately look to sue someone when he
does something stupid and hurts himself. We understand that
sometimes in the process of doing things we get hurt and we just
DEAL WITH IT !
A Retrosexual man will go to a BARBER, not a Hair Salon, to get his
hair cut. Preferably a barber who is a Vet with blue tattoos on his
forearm.
A Retrosexual does not drive around town with a cell phone glued to
his ear. A cell phone is not even a neccessity. Phone converstions
are limited to less than 2 minutes. Less than 30 seconds for friends
who know what you're talking about.
A Retrosexual drinks COFFEE, not a double __mocha lowfat latte with
whip cream and sprinkles.
A Retrosexual owns more work,play,hunting or motorcycle shoes/boots,
than he does dress shoes
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