Tweet
got this in an email from a buddy, thought it was funny
>
> (Written to a woman who accidently walked into a men's restroom...)
>
> Please don't feel bad, lady. It wasn't you entering the men's washroom
> that caused that guy to pee on the guy next to him. Hell, we do that all
> the
> time. It's rare for us guys to ever hit what were aiming for. Sometimes
> I go into
> the washroom, start to pee, and then just start spinning around; just so
> I'll
> make sure I hit something.
>
> You see, something you ladies should understand by now is that men's
> penises have a mind of their own. A guy can go into a bathroom stall
> because all
> the urinals are being used, take perfect aim at the toilet, and his
> penis will
> still manage to piss all over the roll of toilet paper, down his left
> pant leg,
> and onto his shoe. I'm telling 'ya those little buggers can't be
> trusted.
>
> After being married 28 years my wife has me trained. I'm no longer
> allowed
> to pee like a man - standing up. I am required to sit down and pee. She
> has convinced me that this is a small price to pay. Otherwise if she had
> gone to
> the toilet one more time at night and either sat on a pee soaked toilet
> seat, or
> fell right into the toilet because I forgot to put the seat down, she
> was going to kill me in my sleep.
>
> Now another thing us guys don't usually like to talk about, but because
> you and I have become such good friends and you think I'm a classy guy,
> I might
> as well be candid with you because it's a real problem, and you ladies
> need to
> be understanding. It's the dreaded "morning wood".
>
> Most mornings us guys wake up with two things. A tremendous desire to
> pee,
> and a penis so hard you could cut diamonds with it. Well, no matter how
> hard you try, you can't get that thing to bend, and if it don't bend you
> can't aim,
> well hell, if you can't aim you have no choice but to piss all over the
> wallpaper and that damn fuzzy toilet seat cover you women insist on
> putting on the
> toilet.
>
> And by the way, when you use those damn fuzzy toilet seat covers, the
> friggin' toilet seat won't stay up by itself.
>
> So that means we have to use one
> hand to hold up the toilet seat and the other hand to try to control
> ourselves
> for that perfect aim.
>
> Now sometimes, when you're newly married, (and I know the guys in here
> will back me up on this) you think you can get the toilet seat with that
> damn
> fuzzy thing to stay up. You jam it back and compress that fuzzy thing
> until the
> seat stays there. OK, so you start to pee, but then that compressed
> fuzzy starts to decompress and without warning that damn toilet seat
> comes flying down
> and tries to whack off your weenie.
>
> So us guys will not lift a toilet seat with a fuzzy, it's just not safe.
> I
> tried to delicately explain this morning situation to my wife. I told
> her...
> look, it won't bend. She said, "sit down like I told you to do all the
> rest of
> the time." OK. I tried sitting down on the toilet with "morning wood".
>
> Well it's is very hard to get it bent under the toilet seat, and before
> I
> could manage it, I had pissed all over the bath towels hanging on the
> wall across the room. Now, even if you are sitting down and you can get
> it forced down
> under the toilet seat, when you start to pee the pee shoots out from the
> crack between the bottom of the toilet seat and the top of the bowl. You
> piss all
> over the back of your knees and it runs down the back of our legs on to
> that
> damn matching fuzzy horseshoe rug you keep putting on the floor in front
> of the
> toilet.
>
> I have found the only effective maneuver to deal with this morning
> urinary
> dilemma is to assume the flying superman position laying over the toilet
> seat.
>
> This takes a great deal of practice, perfect balance, and split time
> precision but it's the only sure way to get all the pee in the bowl
> during the
> first morning pee.
>
> So you ladies have to understand that us men are not totally to blame.
> We
> are sensitive to your concerns about hygiene and bathroom cleanliness,
> but there are times when things just get beyond our control.
>
> It's not our fault, it's just Mother Nature.
>
> Now, if it was Father Nature,... there wouldn't have been a problem!
> ~Author Unknown~
>
> (Written to a woman who accidently walked into a men's restroom...)
>
> Please don't feel bad, lady. It wasn't you entering the men's washroom
> that caused that guy to pee on the guy next to him. Hell, we do that all
> the
> time. It's rare for us guys to ever hit what were aiming for. Sometimes
> I go into
> the washroom, start to pee, and then just start spinning around; just so
> I'll
> make sure I hit something.
>
> You see, something you ladies should understand by now is that men's
> penises have a mind of their own. A guy can go into a bathroom stall
> because all
> the urinals are being used, take perfect aim at the toilet, and his
> penis will
> still manage to piss all over the roll of toilet paper, down his left
> pant leg,
> and onto his shoe. I'm telling 'ya those little buggers can't be
> trusted.
>
> After being married 28 years my wife has me trained. I'm no longer
> allowed
> to pee like a man - standing up. I am required to sit down and pee. She
> has convinced me that this is a small price to pay. Otherwise if she had
> gone to
> the toilet one more time at night and either sat on a pee soaked toilet
> seat, or
> fell right into the toilet because I forgot to put the seat down, she
> was going to kill me in my sleep.
>
> Now another thing us guys don't usually like to talk about, but because
> you and I have become such good friends and you think I'm a classy guy,
> I might
> as well be candid with you because it's a real problem, and you ladies
> need to
> be understanding. It's the dreaded "morning wood".
>
> Most mornings us guys wake up with two things. A tremendous desire to
> pee,
> and a penis so hard you could cut diamonds with it. Well, no matter how
> hard you try, you can't get that thing to bend, and if it don't bend you
> can't aim,
> well hell, if you can't aim you have no choice but to piss all over the
> wallpaper and that damn fuzzy toilet seat cover you women insist on
> putting on the
> toilet.
>
> And by the way, when you use those damn fuzzy toilet seat covers, the
> friggin' toilet seat won't stay up by itself.
>
> So that means we have to use one
> hand to hold up the toilet seat and the other hand to try to control
> ourselves
> for that perfect aim.
>
> Now sometimes, when you're newly married, (and I know the guys in here
> will back me up on this) you think you can get the toilet seat with that
> damn
> fuzzy thing to stay up. You jam it back and compress that fuzzy thing
> until the
> seat stays there. OK, so you start to pee, but then that compressed
> fuzzy starts to decompress and without warning that damn toilet seat
> comes flying down
> and tries to whack off your weenie.
>
> So us guys will not lift a toilet seat with a fuzzy, it's just not safe.
> I
> tried to delicately explain this morning situation to my wife. I told
> her...
> look, it won't bend. She said, "sit down like I told you to do all the
> rest of
> the time." OK. I tried sitting down on the toilet with "morning wood".
>
> Well it's is very hard to get it bent under the toilet seat, and before
> I
> could manage it, I had pissed all over the bath towels hanging on the
> wall across the room. Now, even if you are sitting down and you can get
> it forced down
> under the toilet seat, when you start to pee the pee shoots out from the
> crack between the bottom of the toilet seat and the top of the bowl. You
> piss all
> over the back of your knees and it runs down the back of our legs on to
> that
> damn matching fuzzy horseshoe rug you keep putting on the floor in front
> of the
> toilet.
>
> I have found the only effective maneuver to deal with this morning
> urinary
> dilemma is to assume the flying superman position laying over the toilet
> seat.
>
> This takes a great deal of practice, perfect balance, and split time
> precision but it's the only sure way to get all the pee in the bowl
> during the
> first morning pee.
>
> So you ladies have to understand that us men are not totally to blame.
> We
> are sensitive to your concerns about hygiene and bathroom cleanliness,
> but there are times when things just get beyond our control.
>
> It's not our fault, it's just Mother Nature.
>
> Now, if it was Father Nature,... there wouldn't have been a problem!
> ~Author Unknown~
;)
Comment