Jokes...

[9camaro9]

What do the KKK and nike have in common?

they both make black people run.


What does a ni**ger and a apple have in common?
They both look good hanging from trees!


Im not racist in any way

[dashboardrunner]

same disclaimer as before...

how do you save a black man from drowning?

take your foot off his head


how do you keep the black people from hangin out in ur front yard?

hang em in the back

lol more to come....

[LD]

Cows, Constitution, and Carlin"

COWS
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government
can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the
stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington, and they tracked her
calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million
illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give them
all a cow.

CONSTITUTION
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we
just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it's
worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.

TEN COMMANDMENTS
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a Courthouse?
You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit
Adultery", and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers,
judges, and politicians! It creates a hostile work environment!

And last but not least . .

George Carlin said it best about Martha Stewart .
"Boy, I feel a lot safer now that she's behind bars. O.J. Simpson and
Kobe Bryant are still walking around; Osama bin Laden too, but they take the one woman in America willing to cook, clean, and work in the yard, and haul her *** off to jail." hMMMMM

[MikeV6]

Originally posted by shenanigans:
Lets post some jokes...


How many emo kids does it take to screw in a light bulb?


None....they all sit in the dark and cry.

That there is one of fav jokes of all time. F'n EMO kids.

[95DGcamaro]

Originally posted by 99davenport:
Whats the difference between catholic priest and acne?
Acne doesn't come on a boys face 'til hes 13

lol

[Earnhardt132000]

Why don't women need a driver's license?

There is no road between the kitchen and the bed.

[loser]

Originally posted by Earnhardt132000:
Why don't women need a driver's license?

There is no road between the kitchen and the bed.

omg!! [img]graemlins/rofl.gif[/img] [img]graemlins/rofl.gif[/img] [img]graemlins/rofl.gif[/img] wow that was good.

[asdf1234]

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?


Nothin, you already told her twice.

[FirebirdGT]

"As I grow in age, I value women who are over 40 most of all. Here Are just a few reasons why":

A woman over 40 will not lie next to you in bed and ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think.

If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do. And, it's usually something more interesting.

A woman over 40 knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom. Few women past the age of 40 give a damn what you might think about her or what she's doing.

Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you, if they think they can get away with it. Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.

A woman over 40 has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn't trust the guy with other women. Women over 40 couldn't care less if you're attracted to her friends because she knows her friends won't betray her.

Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40. They always know.

A woman over 40 looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women or drag queens. Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.

Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk if you are acting like one! You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.

Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons.

Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of 40+, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants of 40+ making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress.

Ladies, I apologize. For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?", here's an update for you. Nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.

Peace and God Bless You,
Andy Rooney

[FirebirdGT]

How many members of the Bush Administration are needed to change a light bulb?


1. One to deny that a light bulb needs to be changed,

2. One to attack the patriotism of anyone who says the light bulb needs to be changed,

3. One to blame Clinton for burning out the light bulb,

4. One to tell the nations of the world that they are either for changing the light bulb or for darkness,

5. One to give a billion dollar no-bid contract to Haliburton for the new light bulb,

6. One to arrange a photograph of Bush, dressed as a janitor, standing on a step ladder under the banner: "Light bulb Change Accomplished".

7. One administration insider to resign and write a book documenting in detail how Bush was literally in the dark,

8. One to viciously smear #7,

9. One surrogate to campaign on TV and at rallies on how George Bush has had a strong light-bulb-changing policy all along,

10. And finally one to confuse Americans about the difference between screwing a light bulb and screwing the country.

[FirebirdGT]

Top Ten Signs that You're a Christian

10 - You vigorously deny the existence of thousands of gods claimed by other religions, but feel outraged when someone denies the existence of your god.
9 - You feel insulted and "dehumanized" when scientists say that people evolved from lesser life forms, but you have no problem with the Biblical claim that we were created from dirt.

8 - You laugh at polytheists, but you have no problem believing in a Trinity god.

7 - Your face turns purple when you hear of the "atrocities" attributed to Allah, but you don't even flinch when hearing about how God/Jehovah slaughtered all the babies of Egypt in "Exodus" and ordered the elimination of entire ethnic groups in "Joshua" -- including women, children, and trees!

6 - You laugh at Hindu beliefs that deify humans, and Greek claims about gods sleeping with women, but you have no problem believing that the Holy Spirit impregnated Mary, who then gave birth to a man-god who got killed, came back to life and then ascended into the sky.

5 - You are willing to spend your life looking for little loop-holes in the scientifically established age of the Earth (4.55 billion years), but you find nothing wrong with believing dates recorded by pre-historic tribesmen sitting in their tents and guessing that the Earth is a couple of generations old.

4 - You believe that the entire population of this planet with the exception of those who share your beliefs -- though excluding those in all rival sects -- will spend Eternity in an infinite Hell of Suffering. And yet you consider your religion the most "tolerant" and "loving".

3 - While modern science, history, geology, biology, and physics have failed to convince you otherwise, some idiot rolling around on the floor speaking in "tongues" may be all the evidence you need to prove Christianity.

2 - You define 0.01% as a "high success rate" when it comes to answered prayers. You consider that to be evidence that prayer works. And you think that the remaining 99.99% FAILURE was simply the will of God.

1 - You actually know a lot less than many Atheists and Agnostics do about the Bible, Christianity, and church history -- but still call yourself a Christian.

[FirebirdGT]

MAN VS. WOMAN

I'M GLAD I'M A MAN

I'm glad I'm a man, you better believe..
I don't live off of yogurt, diet coke, or cottage cheese..
I don't ***** to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts.. I can get where I want to - north, south, east or west.. I don't get wasted after only 2 beers, and when I do drink I don't end up in tears.. I won't spend hours deciding what to wear.. I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair.. And I don't go around checking my reflection in everything shiny from every direction.. I don't whine in public and make us leave early, and when you ask why get all bitter and surly.. I'm glad I'm a man, I'm so glad I could sing.. I don't have to sit around waiting for that ring.. I don't gossip about friends or stab them in the back.. I don't carry our differences into the sack.. I'll never go psycho and threaten to kill you or think every guy out there's trying to steal you.. I'm rational, reasonable, and logical too.. I know what the time is and I know what to do.. And I honestly think its a privilege for me to have these two balls and stand when I pee.. I live to watch sports and play all sorts of ball.. It's more fun than dealing with women after all... I won't cry if you say it's not going to work.. I won't remain bitter and call you a jerk.. Feel free to use me for immediate pleasure.. I won't assume it's permanent by any measure.. Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a man, you see.. I'm glad I'm not capable of child delivery.. I don't get all *****y every 28 days........... I'm glad that my gender gets me a much bigger raise.. I'm a man by chance and I'm thankful it's true.. I'm so glad I'm a man and not a woman like you!

******** And now it's time for a rebuttal ****************

I'M GLAD I'M A WOMAN

I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am..
I don't live off of Budweiser, Beer Nuts and Spam..
I don't brag to my buddies about my erections..
I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions..
I don't get wasted at parties, and act like a clown..
And I know how to put that damned toilet seat down!
I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt..
My belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut..
And I don't go around "re-adjusting" my crotch,
or yell like Tarzan when my headboard gets a notch..
I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind..
I'm a woman you see-I'm just not that kind!
I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing..
I don't have body hair like shag carpeting..
It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back..
When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack..
And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb..
I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome..
Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side..
I'm a woman, you know-I've got far too much pride!
And I honestly think its a privilege for me,
to have these two boobs and squat when I pee..
I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball..
I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal..
I won't tell you my wife just does not understand,
or stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band..
Or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep,
then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!
Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a woman, you see..
Forget all about that old penis envy..
I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks..
Join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick..
I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful, it's true..
I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you!

[FirebirdGT]

God created Woman and she had 3 breasts.

He then asked the woman, "Is there anything you'd like to have changed?"

She replied, "Yes, could you get rid of this middle breast?"

And so it was done, and it was good.

Then the woman exclaimed as she was holding the third breast in her hand, "What can be done with this useless boob?"

And God created Man.