Marriage Problems

[97chevycamaro]

ugh, me and my wife have been together for 13 months and we have a 16 month old kid. Well my wife has a younger sister who is only 3 and she lives with her mom, who ill admit isnt the best person to be raising the child because she likes to drink and bring home men and not support the kid, all that good stuff. Well last night my wife started talking to me saying she wants to take her 3 year old sister and have her come live with us, Now im not open to this at all. I explained to her im not ready to have 2 childen between 2 and 3 and not open to raising a child that is not mine. Well my wife is attach to her sister very much becuase she rasied her from when she was born until she was 16 months because her mom was in jail so my wife consider's her sister her child if that makes any sense and she wants me to accept it like my child, which i said i cant do. Well my wife told me that she cant be with me if i dont accept her sister too, which i think is a low blow. She told me from the get go her sister was important and whatnot and we see her now and again but i was never open to us raising her sister. Plus come to find out shes been giving her mother money to help with stuff, which i wouldnt mind if her mom didnt spend 100-200 a week on booze and everytime i see her see has new clothes on and whatnot. Im just not sure what to do with this, I am in no way shape or form ready to raise her sister but she cant seem to understand this. I may sound like a ******* but im not ready to be downsized in life for a child that isnt mine. I work hard and If we take her sister it means losing even more of our time together, plus the fact we cant really afford it which in turn would involve us having to sacrifice alot. this **** is getting to crazy too fast. I love my wife and am not ready to lose her over this but i just dont know what to do.

[ October 25, 2004, 12:10 PM: Message edited by: 97chevycamaro ]

[VaeVictus]

This would be a difficult situation. However, I'd be more concerned with the welfare of a three year old child. If the girls mom is that bad a person, the child could get hurt. If social services were to find out about the situation, the state would get involved and who knows what would happen then, because most foster programs suck, especially for the child. I can understand your wifes point of view, I would want to take care of my sibling, especially one so young. Just put yourself in her shoes, the child is innocent and needs someone to take care of her, if the childs mother cannot, who better than her sister?

[97chevycamaro]

I can understand its just hard to do it, shes not looking long term. I wanted to have another child of our own but getting her sister kills that, i only want to have 2 kids and i wanted to be a few years apart so we can get things straight. it would be like one of you guys going home after work and your wife being like "look honey we have a kid now or 2 kids now!" its not fun to be put there. Shes just pressuring me to do this and wont give me time to think things through with her

[imported_admin]

This is going to sound harsh but I really don't know how else to say it. Deal with it. [img]smile.gif[/img]

From the tone of your post you sound like a selfish *******. You admit that your wife is not thinking long term. She probably just feels the need to step in and make a difference for a while. Perhaps having the child live with you for a time will teach a lesson to the mother.

If my sister-in-law was in trouble and needed a place to stay I would gladly give up our spare bedroom. If my sister-in-law was only three years old our help would be even more needed. That's what family is for. They're the only people in the world who will never turn their back.

Call it karma or whatever, but it all comes back to you in the end. Listen to yourself: you're considering turning your back because that child is inconvenient. What if you get your way here with the sister and then six months from now when you say "okay wifey, let's have kid number two" she says no and has her tubes tied because having another child would be an inconvenience to her? How would you feel about that?

Regarding getting social services involved, that differs by state. There is a chance, however, that if social services gets involved and your wife volunteers your household as the home for the child then social services will pay you a certain amount per month as a child allocation. You would essentially be foster parents. If you're concerned about not being able to afford having the kid around, look into that. An extra $500 or $800 or whatever it is per month helps.

[97chevycamaro]

I am a selfish ******* ill admit that, i dont know its just alot to take in at one time. I just didnt like she threw it all out on the table and expected me to just say "ok do whatever" i cant do it that way. Money is not the #1 issue, its the simple fact im not ready to raise another kid right now. I shouldnt just have to spend 15 years raising another kid because soceity and opinions say i have too.

[Johnny Ray]

Sometimes my mental frustrations come from 'knowing what the right thing to do is and not doing it' more than comes from 'not knowing what the right thing to do'.

I hope that everything works out in your relationship my friend.

:cool:

[Dan M]

Could you do a better job than the mother? If so, then step up and get her out of there.

Of course, if you can't come to this conclusion on your own then maybe you shouldn't have children at all...

[97chevycamaro]

Originally posted by DrSquirts:
Could you do a better job than the mother? If so, then step up and get her out of there.

Of course, if you can't come to this conclusion on your own then maybe you shouldn't have children at all...

maybe i was a little harsh on what i said, yes i can raise her better but im not ready, i dont know i just need time to process things guys

[WickEdSix9838]

You said your wife was not thinking in the long run but really neither are you. If your wife would really leave you over the situation and you love her as much as you said, it's in the best interest of ya'll as husband and wife w/your 16 month old kid to take the 3 year old in and raise her the right way. It will be better in the end.

[97chevycamaro]

Sorry guys, this is just alot. Im taking off early today to go talk to my wife. ill post up tomorrow about some stuff guys, i just needed sometime to ***** and process ****. Thanks guys

[imported_admin]

Originally posted by 97chevycamaro:
i just needed sometime to ***** and process ****. Thanks guys

Better you take it out here than on your wife. [img]smile.gif[/img]

[97chevycamaro]

Originally posted by Stefan:
</font><blockquote>quote:</font><hr />Originally posted by 97chevycamaro:
i just needed sometime to ***** and process ****. Thanks guys

Better you take it out here than on your wife. [img]smile.gif[/img] </font>[/QUOTE]true, I try not to get angry around her so the board is a good outleash

[VaeVictus]

I could understand your frustrations better if the child were older, say latter teenage years or something, but a three year old is defenseless and innocent, and deserves better than what she is experiencing now.

[L32Projekt]

A child at the age of 3 needs a good and decent loving home, even if the "parents" are not biological parents. I got married to my wife knowing that she had two daughters of her own and there was no chance of having a child of my own blood with her. Those two children are my daughters, blood or not I'd whip the crap out of any person that would dispute that they are my own.

Sure, at 20 being married with a child that's half your age is tough, but you'll learn how to deal with the situation and find a way to make it through while providing a good home to child that deserves it, I'm sure that you will!

Basically, ya gotta grow up sometime! (Not saying you're acting like a complete ***, but sometimes you have to deal with a situation that you've been handed) ;)

[MustangEater8251]

I'd ocnsider taking the kid in more...

But more importantly I'd consider gettign the courts on your wife's mom, maybe get a little money to help support the kid.