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If you guys like these at all...well I have blog that I write these small satires on...
I’m really not all that negative of a person, I promise. I know the past few entries have somewhat been rants on people, and I’m not normally like that. But a few things came across my attention span, which about the length of….what was I saying? Hey, 10 cents! Honestly though, let’s take a field trip, to wherever there’s a group of people in a professional or learning environment…
Okay, look. I understand that some people always have to have something in their mouth, or be busy doing something, and nervous ticks like that. But you can do those things and NOT draw attention to yourself. Yes, it’s true! You can chew your gum, drink out of your gallon water jug, or eat your snacks, if you must, without making an announcement to the world about it! In fact, you’ll probably even make the people around you glad you’re being incognito about the whole thing. There’s a few types of people out there that have this awful way of making everyone know they’re in existence. Eaters, Chewers, and Drinkers.
I’ll start with the Eaters. Eaters, like the other classifications, aren’t limited to one specific type of person. The eater is someone who usually opens their vacuum packed potato chip bag so slowly that it takes five minutes to open, thinking that this will make things quieter. Wrong! Instead you’ve merely prolonged the inevitable. Crinkling bags make plenty of noise, whether you think you’re doing it quietly or not. Next time, just open the back like you’re actually hungry; only the next time I hope the chips go flying. Another type of eater is the type who practically carries a grocery cart in their purse/backpack/carrying bag. In a learning type environment, this person is eating non stop throughout the class. I don’t have to tell you what this person looks like. In a more professional, desk-job type environment, after about an hour of working, the eater will seemingly bring a buffet out of their work space. Of course, they’ll never offer a coworker anything either; imagine that.
Chewers. Oh, please don’t get me started on the chewers. I think that chewing gum should be outlawed, yes, made illegal, the way some people abuse it. Chewing gum was originally created so that you could have something to chew on, and freshen your breath, or at least put a pleasant taste in your mouth. It was NOT made for you to do your best impersonation of a cow out to pasture with. It was NOT made for you to snap, crack, and pop it in a group of people who are busy learning or working. It was NOT made for you to twirl around in your hand, make a mess of, then throw in the parking lot for someone to step on. And it most certainly was NOT made to hold on your tongue while you’re trying to talk. You know why? It makes you sound like a three year old! Not sure about you all, but it’s kind of distracting to hear someone chomp their gum with their mouth gaping open, and then also hear small gunshots a few feet away. Nobody wants abrupt noises like that in that kind of environment. I was watching a movie once, (now this isn’t related), and I cringed when someone blew a bubble, sucked it back, and proceeded to make FIFTEEN very loud popping noises. Yeah, I’m trying to watch a movie here. Thanks.
The drinkers are quite possibly the least annoying on the list, so I won’t write much about them. There’s the kinds that carry the gallon of water around with them, and then the ones that carry the smaller amounts of beverage goodness. Now, most people can control themselves with liquids. Others simply cannot. With a gallon jug of water, you don’t need to violently throw your head back as you lift the jug to your mouth, subsequently getting vertical with the jug. It’s loud, it causes you to make even louder swallowing noises, and quite frankly I hope you get an early bath with it. The smaller beverage carriers SLOWLY unscrew the bottle, put it up to their lips using as much suction as possible, swallow, slowly and loudly release the suction pressure, and SLOWLY screw the cap on. Is drinking from a bottle an intimate experience now? Nobody ever told me!
I had originally thought of adding a list called “grunters”, but this list is long enough already – you know who they are too. You know, the ones who make some kind of affirming grunt or chuckle every time the teacher, instructor, or boss makes a truthful or humorous comment. I always get stuck next to the one guy that does it. Not sure why, I probably deserve it due to my goings on about society’s small quirks.
Well, that does it for this bluggh. Tomorrow promises something a little more positive, I promise!
Just remember, keep your car in the garage when it’s raining.
I’m really not all that negative of a person, I promise. I know the past few entries have somewhat been rants on people, and I’m not normally like that. But a few things came across my attention span, which about the length of….what was I saying? Hey, 10 cents! Honestly though, let’s take a field trip, to wherever there’s a group of people in a professional or learning environment…
Okay, look. I understand that some people always have to have something in their mouth, or be busy doing something, and nervous ticks like that. But you can do those things and NOT draw attention to yourself. Yes, it’s true! You can chew your gum, drink out of your gallon water jug, or eat your snacks, if you must, without making an announcement to the world about it! In fact, you’ll probably even make the people around you glad you’re being incognito about the whole thing. There’s a few types of people out there that have this awful way of making everyone know they’re in existence. Eaters, Chewers, and Drinkers.
I’ll start with the Eaters. Eaters, like the other classifications, aren’t limited to one specific type of person. The eater is someone who usually opens their vacuum packed potato chip bag so slowly that it takes five minutes to open, thinking that this will make things quieter. Wrong! Instead you’ve merely prolonged the inevitable. Crinkling bags make plenty of noise, whether you think you’re doing it quietly or not. Next time, just open the back like you’re actually hungry; only the next time I hope the chips go flying. Another type of eater is the type who practically carries a grocery cart in their purse/backpack/carrying bag. In a learning type environment, this person is eating non stop throughout the class. I don’t have to tell you what this person looks like. In a more professional, desk-job type environment, after about an hour of working, the eater will seemingly bring a buffet out of their work space. Of course, they’ll never offer a coworker anything either; imagine that.
Chewers. Oh, please don’t get me started on the chewers. I think that chewing gum should be outlawed, yes, made illegal, the way some people abuse it. Chewing gum was originally created so that you could have something to chew on, and freshen your breath, or at least put a pleasant taste in your mouth. It was NOT made for you to do your best impersonation of a cow out to pasture with. It was NOT made for you to snap, crack, and pop it in a group of people who are busy learning or working. It was NOT made for you to twirl around in your hand, make a mess of, then throw in the parking lot for someone to step on. And it most certainly was NOT made to hold on your tongue while you’re trying to talk. You know why? It makes you sound like a three year old! Not sure about you all, but it’s kind of distracting to hear someone chomp their gum with their mouth gaping open, and then also hear small gunshots a few feet away. Nobody wants abrupt noises like that in that kind of environment. I was watching a movie once, (now this isn’t related), and I cringed when someone blew a bubble, sucked it back, and proceeded to make FIFTEEN very loud popping noises. Yeah, I’m trying to watch a movie here. Thanks.
The drinkers are quite possibly the least annoying on the list, so I won’t write much about them. There’s the kinds that carry the gallon of water around with them, and then the ones that carry the smaller amounts of beverage goodness. Now, most people can control themselves with liquids. Others simply cannot. With a gallon jug of water, you don’t need to violently throw your head back as you lift the jug to your mouth, subsequently getting vertical with the jug. It’s loud, it causes you to make even louder swallowing noises, and quite frankly I hope you get an early bath with it. The smaller beverage carriers SLOWLY unscrew the bottle, put it up to their lips using as much suction as possible, swallow, slowly and loudly release the suction pressure, and SLOWLY screw the cap on. Is drinking from a bottle an intimate experience now? Nobody ever told me!
I had originally thought of adding a list called “grunters”, but this list is long enough already – you know who they are too. You know, the ones who make some kind of affirming grunt or chuckle every time the teacher, instructor, or boss makes a truthful or humorous comment. I always get stuck next to the one guy that does it. Not sure why, I probably deserve it due to my goings on about society’s small quirks.
Well, that does it for this bluggh. Tomorrow promises something a little more positive, I promise!
Just remember, keep your car in the garage when it’s raining.
opera is the word :tup:
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