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So I know some people here in Savannah and I got a chance to watch 10,000 BC before it officially comes out in theaters here. I was up at 3:30 AM watching it and didn't get home until 5:20 AM or so. Here's my review and rundown on it.
It's currently 5:22AM EST and I just got in from watching 10,000 BC, which I might add, isn't even in theaters here yet. Let's just say I know people. ; ). Anyways, I figured I'd write a quick review of the movie for all you wanting to go watch it, so here it goes:
The movie 10,000 BC appears to be written by a semi-retarded ADHD positive French ninja on a crack binge and is about a group of non-acting Jamaican Native Americans who live on a mountain, doing their own thing. One day, there comes along another not-quite-so-bad non-acting (and hot, but dirty) Jamaican Native American with a British accent. Now the village leaders son develops a hard on for said girl and soon professes his love for her not 4 hours after they met, though a word hadn't been said since. You'd think they would just live on the mountain and die off peacefully, but NO. We can't have that, can we?
So the girl comes to this place and the whole village is informed of the "4 legged demons" who killed the girls people, but they weren't told this by the girl! They were told of this prophecy by the 97 year old, fat, non acting Jamaican Native American gypsy with a flat nose aka "Mother something", who apparently talks with spirits. Meanwhile, the village leader sneaks off to god knows where and never returns.
Later on, the boy (now grown) gives the foreign girl a necklace that he worked for a long time on. The "4 legged demons" (mammoths) come eventually and every guy in the village is armed with a spear and chases after the whole group of these things. The lead bull mammoth is found and eventually killed by accident by the village leaders son, who was leading the whole thing to begin with and in spite of the accidental kill, he claims the woman with the British accent along with the village spear, signifying he's leading them now. When the guys return, a big feast with dance and song is held and the guy starts to feel like ****. He returns the spear, and therefore the woman. She learns of this and walks up and does the typical woman thing which is making him feel like sh!t for something that he shouldn't have done in the first place, but he did for her. Everyone gives him crap about the spear on occasion, too.
Well now is where things get interesting (and the apparent ADHD begins to come into play.). A raving mad tribe of "Mongolians" comes out of nowhere and steals away the majority of the people of the village, while some of them manage to evade capture. The leader of the "Mongolians" develops a hard on for the aforementioned girl and takes her as his own. They then set off for some unknown destination. The remaining villagers wait for a bit, then decide to take off after these Mongolians.
They proceed to travel over a range of diverse landscapes finding signs of where they were from the necklace that the leaders son gave the girl. Meanwhile the girl ends up getting caught dropping pieces of the necklace as a signal and gets her hands whipped with a piece of equipment that would make a leather clad bondage domination sadomasochism freak proud.
Pretty soon, they make it into a jungle with underbrush thicker than the 6 month old pubic hair of a 300lb female Samoan prostitute on steroids. They find their people, but are soon caught by the Mongolians not long after. Everyone scatters and somehow, one man on a horse, with a forked stick captures most of the people back. It isn't too much later that everyone gets chased by a flock of 10 foot tall screeching half plucked chickens. After dealing with them, the Mongolians have already left and the villagers are back on their trail.
Here's where the ADHD really kicks in. The village chiefs son ends up falling into a huge wooden spike filled pit, which was partially expected because I could have sworn for a few seconds that they were in Nam. At the bottom of this pit is a HUGE 10 foot tall "spear tooth" tiger. The guy almost kills it, decides otherwise, then sets it free. After finding his way out the hole, he finds his people and they set off, eventually finding a seemingly empty village.
They are soon ambushed by some African Tribe. Out of nowhere comes the "spear tooth" tiger. Everyone freezes, despite the fact that there are around a hundred of them, every one holding a spear. The tiger approaches the girls lover (who is on the ground, btw) and the he tells it that he "gave it life". The tiger runs off. Well the tribe that previously wanted to kill him and his friends now wants to give them food and be buddies. Turns out, what happened with the expedition leader and the tiger was part of THEIR prophecy. So they tell him that he is to free their people. So the original villagers AND the tribe all form up to go kill the Mongolians and to get their people back too.
Along the way, they buddy up with another african tribe, then ANOTHER tribe. Now we all know that when you have this many black people together in one location that there is GONNA be a fight eventually. So they find the river in which the captured villagers from all tribes and villages are on boats. The leader of one of the tribes tells the original expedition leader that they may as well follow the river even though the shortest way to the mouth of it is through the desert. But if they go through the desert they are bound to be lost. This guy, with his hard on for this girl is not about to lose her, so, being stubborn, he decides that they should all cross the desert anyways.
When it seems that all hope is lost, the cliche rears it's head and they find the mouth of the river. By this time, the villagers have been conveniently sold into slavery to the Egyptians, who are using them to help build the pyramids. The whole shebang there is run by some guy whose face you never see. It kinda has that whole Wizard of Oz effect. Anyways, the prophecy there is that someone will come with the Mark of the Hunter, signifying that someone will kill the Pharaoh. The girl that the village boy and the Mongolian grew a hard on for has the mark on her hand from being whipped there earlier (remember?).
As it was told, the guy who started this voyage turns out to be the Hunter as foretold by the prophecy. By this time, the Egyptians are freaking out. Remember all those black people? Well here's where the fight starts. They launch a huge attack on the Egyptians and completely pwn them. Then as everyone runs at the palace, guards surround it and the Pharaoh comes out.
The fighting by this point has stopped entirely because the girl who caused all this crap is strung up between two horses with ropes and is being threatened to be torn apart.The Pharaoh tells the leader of the voyage that he can have the girl back if he leaves, but all his people will be slaves for the rest of their lives. Right when it seems he's gonna puss out and accept the offer, he skewers the Pharaoh on the end of his spear and the fighting commences. The girl gets snatched up by a Mongolian and he proceeds to carry her off. She shanks his a$$ with one of his own arrows, at which point they both fall off the horse. The guy who loves her runs toward her, then she gets shot by an arrow from the guy who fell off the horse. (Oops. Turns out he wasn't dead after all.) The guy kills the Mongolian with a large pointy object. Now he's standing around crying over this girl. Well the "Mother something" woman who was left at the village was watching the whole time with her super telepsychic mind abilities. She saw everything that was going on and gave her last breath for the girl to live. So yet another cliche, the girl "wakes up" and they live together happily. End of story.
I apologize if this has been hard to read as I'm really tired. All in all, the movie barely held my attention. If it hadn't been for the attractive one and the occasional action scene, I would have walked out long before this movie ended. It gets fuzzy and hard to follow, and leaves a lot in question at times, not to mention that the acting is poor. Save your money for this one folks. It wouldn't have been worth it if I'd payed to see it.
It's currently 5:22AM EST and I just got in from watching 10,000 BC, which I might add, isn't even in theaters here yet. Let's just say I know people. ; ). Anyways, I figured I'd write a quick review of the movie for all you wanting to go watch it, so here it goes:
The movie 10,000 BC appears to be written by a semi-retarded ADHD positive French ninja on a crack binge and is about a group of non-acting Jamaican Native Americans who live on a mountain, doing their own thing. One day, there comes along another not-quite-so-bad non-acting (and hot, but dirty) Jamaican Native American with a British accent. Now the village leaders son develops a hard on for said girl and soon professes his love for her not 4 hours after they met, though a word hadn't been said since. You'd think they would just live on the mountain and die off peacefully, but NO. We can't have that, can we?
So the girl comes to this place and the whole village is informed of the "4 legged demons" who killed the girls people, but they weren't told this by the girl! They were told of this prophecy by the 97 year old, fat, non acting Jamaican Native American gypsy with a flat nose aka "Mother something", who apparently talks with spirits. Meanwhile, the village leader sneaks off to god knows where and never returns.
Later on, the boy (now grown) gives the foreign girl a necklace that he worked for a long time on. The "4 legged demons" (mammoths) come eventually and every guy in the village is armed with a spear and chases after the whole group of these things. The lead bull mammoth is found and eventually killed by accident by the village leaders son, who was leading the whole thing to begin with and in spite of the accidental kill, he claims the woman with the British accent along with the village spear, signifying he's leading them now. When the guys return, a big feast with dance and song is held and the guy starts to feel like ****. He returns the spear, and therefore the woman. She learns of this and walks up and does the typical woman thing which is making him feel like sh!t for something that he shouldn't have done in the first place, but he did for her. Everyone gives him crap about the spear on occasion, too.
Well now is where things get interesting (and the apparent ADHD begins to come into play.). A raving mad tribe of "Mongolians" comes out of nowhere and steals away the majority of the people of the village, while some of them manage to evade capture. The leader of the "Mongolians" develops a hard on for the aforementioned girl and takes her as his own. They then set off for some unknown destination. The remaining villagers wait for a bit, then decide to take off after these Mongolians.
They proceed to travel over a range of diverse landscapes finding signs of where they were from the necklace that the leaders son gave the girl. Meanwhile the girl ends up getting caught dropping pieces of the necklace as a signal and gets her hands whipped with a piece of equipment that would make a leather clad bondage domination sadomasochism freak proud.
Pretty soon, they make it into a jungle with underbrush thicker than the 6 month old pubic hair of a 300lb female Samoan prostitute on steroids. They find their people, but are soon caught by the Mongolians not long after. Everyone scatters and somehow, one man on a horse, with a forked stick captures most of the people back. It isn't too much later that everyone gets chased by a flock of 10 foot tall screeching half plucked chickens. After dealing with them, the Mongolians have already left and the villagers are back on their trail.
Here's where the ADHD really kicks in. The village chiefs son ends up falling into a huge wooden spike filled pit, which was partially expected because I could have sworn for a few seconds that they were in Nam. At the bottom of this pit is a HUGE 10 foot tall "spear tooth" tiger. The guy almost kills it, decides otherwise, then sets it free. After finding his way out the hole, he finds his people and they set off, eventually finding a seemingly empty village.
They are soon ambushed by some African Tribe. Out of nowhere comes the "spear tooth" tiger. Everyone freezes, despite the fact that there are around a hundred of them, every one holding a spear. The tiger approaches the girls lover (who is on the ground, btw) and the he tells it that he "gave it life". The tiger runs off. Well the tribe that previously wanted to kill him and his friends now wants to give them food and be buddies. Turns out, what happened with the expedition leader and the tiger was part of THEIR prophecy. So they tell him that he is to free their people. So the original villagers AND the tribe all form up to go kill the Mongolians and to get their people back too.
Along the way, they buddy up with another african tribe, then ANOTHER tribe. Now we all know that when you have this many black people together in one location that there is GONNA be a fight eventually. So they find the river in which the captured villagers from all tribes and villages are on boats. The leader of one of the tribes tells the original expedition leader that they may as well follow the river even though the shortest way to the mouth of it is through the desert. But if they go through the desert they are bound to be lost. This guy, with his hard on for this girl is not about to lose her, so, being stubborn, he decides that they should all cross the desert anyways.
When it seems that all hope is lost, the cliche rears it's head and they find the mouth of the river. By this time, the villagers have been conveniently sold into slavery to the Egyptians, who are using them to help build the pyramids. The whole shebang there is run by some guy whose face you never see. It kinda has that whole Wizard of Oz effect. Anyways, the prophecy there is that someone will come with the Mark of the Hunter, signifying that someone will kill the Pharaoh. The girl that the village boy and the Mongolian grew a hard on for has the mark on her hand from being whipped there earlier (remember?).
As it was told, the guy who started this voyage turns out to be the Hunter as foretold by the prophecy. By this time, the Egyptians are freaking out. Remember all those black people? Well here's where the fight starts. They launch a huge attack on the Egyptians and completely pwn them. Then as everyone runs at the palace, guards surround it and the Pharaoh comes out.
The fighting by this point has stopped entirely because the girl who caused all this crap is strung up between two horses with ropes and is being threatened to be torn apart.The Pharaoh tells the leader of the voyage that he can have the girl back if he leaves, but all his people will be slaves for the rest of their lives. Right when it seems he's gonna puss out and accept the offer, he skewers the Pharaoh on the end of his spear and the fighting commences. The girl gets snatched up by a Mongolian and he proceeds to carry her off. She shanks his a$$ with one of his own arrows, at which point they both fall off the horse. The guy who loves her runs toward her, then she gets shot by an arrow from the guy who fell off the horse. (Oops. Turns out he wasn't dead after all.) The guy kills the Mongolian with a large pointy object. Now he's standing around crying over this girl. Well the "Mother something" woman who was left at the village was watching the whole time with her super telepsychic mind abilities. She saw everything that was going on and gave her last breath for the girl to live. So yet another cliche, the girl "wakes up" and they live together happily. End of story.
I apologize if this has been hard to read as I'm really tired. All in all, the movie barely held my attention. If it hadn't been for the attractive one and the occasional action scene, I would have walked out long before this movie ended. It gets fuzzy and hard to follow, and leaves a lot in question at times, not to mention that the acting is poor. Save your money for this one folks. It wouldn't have been worth it if I'd payed to see it.
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